I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
