Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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