He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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