I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
