Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
