need another drink. this is the easiest way
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
