I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
