My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
