All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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