Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize