Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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