dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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