i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
