Porn is love you can see.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
