I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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