wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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