So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
