Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
