So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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