Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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