I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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