the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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