my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You smell like stripper and shame
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
