New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
