Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
