Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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