is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
