I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
