Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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