You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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