when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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