why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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