he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
