Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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