i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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