I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
