Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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