we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize