Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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