just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
