Your face is a jimmy john
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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