on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize