The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
