4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
