I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
