Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
