you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
