why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
