I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
