dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
