She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
