looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
