life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
