wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
