I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
