I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
