if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
